Three Years Ago...

Three years ago tomorrow we made the decision to stop Paul's treatment. Without a doubt it was the most difficult decision I have ever made, and yet it was the greatest gift I have ever given anyone.

I will never forget that day: Paul was miserable and living in his stroller. As a defense mechanism, he slept the whole way to Cook and throughout the entire clinic visit. I remember sitting in the dark room, waiting for the results of his blood test... results that I didn't need a lab report to tell me... results that confirmed that, still, his body wasn't making blood. I remember dreading making the phone call to Terrill. Sitting in that dark room with Paul asleep in his stroller, Dr. Howrey by my side, tears streaming down my face, Terrill and I agreed that we were done fighting for our son's life. Our four and a half year war was over. Damn Neuroblastoma.

It is easy to judge ourselves as parents by two primary things: provision and protection. I mean, isn't that what we spend so much of our time doing for our kids?... providing them with the "good" things and protecting them from the "bad" things. And yet, I have come to learn that my shining moment as a mom was when I finally let my son go... when I relinquished my role in his life as his provider and his protector... when I gave up.

I have no words to describe that last trip out of the clinic. This trip that we had made countless times before, always with a slip of paper telling us when to return. Walking down the hall and to the car and buckling Paul in, with no paper this time, knowing that we would never do this again. Winding toward the exit of the parking garage and speaking to the ticket booth attendant... all things that were as familar to me as brushing my teeth. This clinic, this hospital with its familar halls and bad cafeteria and amazing employees... I not only knew the doctors, but the security guards and the janitors as well (those that worked the day and the night shifts). This place was my "soccer field", my "gymnasium". While most kids his age were learning the fundamentals of their favorite sport, Paul was learning that when his platelets were low, his nose would bleed. My son had grown up in this place. And not just grown up, but matured beyond his years. He experienced things here and met people here who shaped him into a sensitive and relational young man at the ripe ole' age of six. We fought here, we sacrificed here, and the whole time we were fighting and sacrificing, Paul was growing up. And this day, we were leaving it all behind. We were walking away. For good.

Paul continued sleeping all the way home, and I know that was a blessing from the Lord, as it allowed me the hour and a half to cry and kick and "scream" at God. It was one of a handful of times (OK, maybe two handfuls) that I have had an "R-rated" conversation with God. I would love to say that I got it all out of my system that day, but I must admit there are still some very specific things that I'm pissed off at God about. Let's just say that I have come to acknowledge that He alone is God, that I don't have even a sliver of understanding of the big picture, and that - at least for me right now - faith is more of a deliberate decision than a feeling.

Paul woke up when we got home, and he even smiled when we pulled into the driveway. Never has a boy appreciated being home quite like little Paulie.

We went to Tyler to visit Terrill's parents for the Fourth of July and spent the next two weeks enjoying every precious minute with Paul. And then we said goodbye to that beautiful boy.

Making the decision to stop treatment for Paul was the most brutal and most beautiful thing I have ever done. The greatest gifts are always those that require the greatest sacrifice.

Attention All Coffee Drinkers

For the next SIX Mondays, enjoy FREE coffee at the World Cup Cafe (a ministry of Mission Waco). Details below.

Pass the word.....

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Free Coffee on Monday Mornings
June 14-July 19, 7:00-10:00a.m.
1321 N. 15th @ Colcord Ave.
World Cup Café
(offer does not include specialty drinks)

Come on over and enjoy some really good “joe”…
Breakfast & Lunch available Monday-Saturday, 7:00-2:00

Preemptive Love

In recent months, I have really been feeling led to step up in terms of advocating for the Preemptive Love Coalition. Honestly, I have no idea what that really means, but I do know I've been using the excuse of not knowing as a reason to NOT be obedient. This is a trap I constantly fall into: not knowing exactly what to do and, therefore, doing nothing at all. However, I've also seen the Lord at work most in my life when I simply take a step and do SOMETHING. Most of the time, the step I take doesn't directly lead anywhere, but I end up making great strides in a different direction as a result of that first baby step, no matter how misdirected it was.

So, all that leads me to now... the only way I know to step up my advocacy of PLC is to be proactive in raising awareness of what they are doing and the needs they have. And the only way I know to do that is to speak to groups of people about it.

Are you a member of a group (MOPS, Jr. League, National Meat Cutters Assoc.) that would be open to having me speak about my trips to Iraq, what PLC is doing, and how they can be involved? Although I wouldn't pass a hat or anything like that, fundraising, awareness, and increased involvement would be my major goals.

If so, please contact me either by posting a comment below, or emailing me at leighsaxon@hotmail.com.

Thanks for being part of my first step toward obedience in this. I'll let you know how it goes...

They Called the Cops On Us!

So... for a while now, a friend and I have been meeting together to pray over a local mosque. We meet on Fridays around 2:00, as this is the Muslim Holy Day, and when the mosque is most crowded. About 4 weeks ago, we moved to a "strategic" location across the street in the parking lot of the Hewitt Chamber of Commerce, where we had a good view of the entrance to the mosque. We simply sit in our car and pray for folks as they go in and out of the mosque

This past Friday, we were in our car and a cop car pulled into the parking lot, got out of his car and approached us. He informed us that the people working in the chamber of commerce had called concerned about why we were there. I explained to the kind police officer what we were doing and pointed across the street. I said we certainly didn't want to cause any trouble and would be happy to leave if they wanted us to.

So, the kind cop walked into the building and came back out about 15 minutes later, and informed us that they wanted us to leave. We agreed, and he left. Then my friend and I decided that we'd like to meet our cop-calling friends. We entered the building, introduced ourselves to the two women working in the small office and apologized for causing them any alarm. I must admit, I was hopeful they would retract their banishment of us, and although they were very cordial and polite, they didn't offer to allow us to continue praying in their parking lot.

So, we left. I have to say that on the way home, I was mad. I thought about how I am a tax-paying citizen of Hewitt and have a right to peacefully park on city property. But then it hit me.... They called the cops on us... in Hewitt TX. I just had the cops called on me for PRAYING IN THE NAME OF JESUS. Not in Iraq, but in Hewitt, TX! Praise God!

I know this isn't exactly what Jesus was speaking of when he said: "But beware of men; for they will deliver you up to the courts, and scourge you in their synagogues; and you shall even be brought before governors and kings for My sake as a testimony to them and to the Gentiles." Sure, we weren't scourged or persecuted in the same sense that Jesus was speaking, but we had the cops called on us IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!

Pretty cool... and you can bet that we'll be back praying this Friday (although we'll have to give up our front-entrance view)!

A Lot to Learn

I am 41 years old, and I have a lot to learn.

In our SS class, we have started reading through the book of Mark, and I am discovering how little I know about a book of the Bible that previously, I would've said I knew a lot about. The truth is, I know a lot of general knowledge about the gospels, but I know little about what unique things they have to say about the life of Jesus.

So, I'm a little fascinated these days about the ministry of Jesus, particularly what HE had to say (not what I've always been taught) about what it means to be a Christ-follower, a child of God, one secure in the gift of eternal life. Bottom line, I want to know what Jesus had to say about how a person becomes a Christian. Today, I read the very familiar passage in Matthew 25:31-46. (It's a lengthy section of scripture, but I'll quote some major chunks of it):

Jesus speaking: "But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. And all the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on His right, 'Come, you who are blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.' Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we [do all these things]?' And the King will answer and say to them, 'Truly, I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.' Then He will also say to those on His left, 'Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you gave me nothing to eat..."

You know, growing up a Southern Baptist, I've been to countless retreats, summer camps and revivals, and heard this question posed dozens of times: "When you die and you stand before Jesus, and He asks you 'Why should I let you into heaven for eternity?', what will you say?" Of course, the correct answer is something like: "I don't deserve eternity, but I believe that you, Jesus, are the Son of God, who died on the cross for my sins so that I can be reconciled to God."

While I think the above question is a valuable one to reflect upon, nowhere in the Bible does Jesus suggest that He's going to ask us this question. In fact, according to Matthew 25, it seems to me that it's much more likely that He might have a different question to ask... something like: "What have you done for Me lately?" Or: "Where is the LOVE?"

I am not suggesting that our WORKS earn us a place in heaven. I am simply reading the very words that proceeded directly out of the mouth of Jesus that said, "If you love me, tend my sheep."

And I am - for the first time in my life - realizing that what I have believed about what it means to be a Christian has come from what other people have told me. I am attempting to scrutinize these beliefs by comparing them to what Jesus Himself had to say on the matter.

So far, there are surprising differences....

An "Old" Friend

This morning, I was cleaning out a basket in my utility room, and I found this note from a very dear friend of Paul's. She wrote it to me in May of 2008.

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Dear Mrs. Sackson, I was thinking about Paul. He was the best cid in the world. I am vary happy I got to be His Friend. And I Loved Him so much. Love, Belle.

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Me too, Belle. Me too.

An Email from a Friend

Judy is a dear friend of mine who lives in New York. We got to spend some wonderful time with her and her family when Paul and I were in NYC for his treatment at Sloan-Kettering and also when we went to Vermont for treatment. She sent me this email recently and it was such a blessing to me that I wanted to post it (with her permission, of course!)

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Hello! I have thought of you so much in recent weeks and am just now getting around to emailing you to tell you so.

Yesterday jeff and I spent an incredible day down in NYC and we ended it thinking of you.

On the drive home, late last night, we stopped at a rest area on the freeway, looking for something to eat. The one we stopped at was one I have been to with you and Paul. We parked in the parking garage type area (strange for freeway rest stops) and went into the building, where everything was closed down, just like it was when we were there with Paul (and looking for a snack for your hungry boy...)

It is a two story building inside, with escalators taking you up to the bathrooms. Remember that one? There were only vending machines to use, that were on small breezeways that overlooked the lower area. I'm pretty sure Paul found some money under one of the machines. :)

Jeff and I were in luck, in that one store was open, Dunkin Donuts, so we ordered a bagel or two. As we stood waiting I told him about my trip there with you and Paul. I tried to pull out of the back of my brain every memory I had of that night, every place we walked in that building as we hunted for a decent snack.

Of course we started talking about Paul too. And Jeff surprised me by saying, "I still have a rock in the pocket of my orange coat, a stone that Paul gave me as we walked through the woods. It's still there, in the bottom of my pocket."

He's not a man of many words but I know what he meant. He keeps that rock in his pocket on purpose. It reminds him of a brave little boy who made a big impact on a lot of us during his short time on the planet.

Then finally our bagels were done and we walked through the almost dark, quiet building, back to the car. Then, just as we approached the outside doors, I spied something shiny on the ground. A bright copper penny.

I am sure, so sure, that Paul left that penny there for me. To let me know that he remembered too. He remembered the fun we had in the midst of pain, as we traveled up and down the dark freeways of New York.

I have not hugged you in a while, my friend. But that doesn't mean I dont miss you, think of you, and care about you.


Just wanted you to know we talked about you, and your boy, last night, and it brought smiles to our faces.

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Thanks, Judy!!