There are some things that we are born knowing. Men, for example, emerge from the womb with the knowledge of how to shoot a gun. Women know from birth how to find shoes on sale.
Other things have to be learned. Walking beside a grieving friend is, at least for most of us, one of those things.
"Leigh's Grief Rule #2" is one I actually learned from Jack: DON'T DENY ME MY GRIEF. In other words, don't try to make me feel better. If I'm crying, let me cry. If I'm mad, get mad with me. Don't panic that I'm losing my faith if I cuss or get hacked off at God.
Let me put plainly into words something that you already know: there's nothing you can say in those moments that will make the hurt go away. In fact, there's probably very little you can say that I haven't heard already. In those moments when I lose it, all I need is an understanding ear and a gentle hug. Don't try to fix it.
Now, I'm NOT saying that there isn't room for thoughtful words (case in point, my last post). "Rule #2" applies specifically to those "moments" when I'm suddenly overcome with grief because of a memory, a song, or for no apparent reason at all. During those times, I need to feel the freedom to emote, to vent, to have a "good cry." How does a good friend help in that process? By simply physically being there, listening, and being OK with silence.
In fact, something you say to me (or my answer to your questions) might actually make me cry. Don't feel bad. Don't think you need to apologize. You didn't make me sad. I'm already sad. You just allowed me the opportunity to express it.
5 comments:
Leigh, thanks for sharing your grieving thoughts. I love you. Wanda
Good stuff, Leigh. Thanks for sharing.
Great post Leigh. I'm sorry you have this kind of knowledge and experience to share, but I'm so glad you're willing to share it. You've been a very patient and gracious teacher to me. (Thank goodness you like rule-breakers!)Maybe these posts will help someone else get it right the first time. : )
J
I love the insight about allowing you to express your grief. I understand the need to be able to do that.
I was just stopping by to see when you were leaving on your trip. I didn't know you had started a book on how to help your grieving friends! I am reading an old book called "Walking Joey Home". It's what a mom learned about God during her son's last days. I keep reading it and saying YES, THAT'S RIGHT! You do need to share what you have learned with others. It will help those who don't know, but it also helps those who do.
Sometimes I don't want to talk about Anna. It depends on the person. I feel like sometimes people want me to "vent" with them and I don't want to. I don't get to choose when and where I break down and spill my guts. It seems to just happen. So I would add, don't force your friend to grieve when she doesn't want to.
So when are you going on your trip? I'm having lunch with Debra and Carol on the 17th and wish you could be there, but as I read this morning....
"the Lord refreshes me best as He passes through me to meet the needs of others"
May he refresh you as He passes through you to meet the needs of the people you touch.
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