So... we're having a garage sale this weekend. No one is more thrilled than Terrill. He's been telling me for months that there is absolutely NO more room in our attic. I say you can always squeeze in one more box.
This week I've been doing a lot of sifting through closets and drawers and cabinets. This is always a long process for a pack rat like me, but it's made doubly tedious by the fact that I don't want to get rid of anything of Paul's. This means I have to carefully flip through every page of every coloring book. If there is even one picture that he colored, it must go in the "keep" pile.
Even trash isn't trash. In the boys' bathroom drawer I found a puffy purple "P" sticker - no doubt off of some craft that Paul made at church. Can't throw that away. It stays in the drawer right next to the hydrocortizone cream and the q-tips.
A while back we got our carpets cleaned and we moved the boys' bulletin boards into the garage and never moved them back. Yesterday, I was looking at Paul's: covered in Spongebob stickers, pictures from friends, and a photo of a minor-league baseball player who was a hero to Paul. Some of the items I remember helping him put up - carefully finding just the right spot; other things I don't remember at all. And that made me think of how many moments, events and routine days that I've forgotten. So many... and that makes me mad. I'm grateful for Jack - he remembers so much more than I do. I love to hear him re-tell a story about Paul that I've forgotten.
I pulled a framed print out from behind our armoir and dusted it off for the garage sale. Then, in it's place, I put Paul's bulletin board. It made me smile to think that I was selling a work of art for pennies on the dollar and replacing it with a junkie bulletin board littered with precious items taped on by tiny fingers.... far more valuable
Last night, after Whit went to bed, Jack and I returned to the garage to continue sorting and pricing. The radio was on and I heard a song that reminded me of Paul that I haven't heard since he died. Jack recognized it, too and looked at me immediately. I almost turned it off, but decided not to. So there we were, standing in our garage, knee-deep in books, legos and kitchen utensils, hugging each other and crying. I don't think the neighbors saw us, but I can't be sure.
Reaching back in the dark corners of closets and unearthing long-forgotten items brings back some wonderful memories. It made me start to think about what I've missed out on this last year and a half without Paul: how many laughs I've missed (about 952), how many kisses and hugs I've missed (5,674), how many Nascars I haven't had to buy (37), how many times I haven't had to answer the question,"How much bites do I have to eat?" (474), how many hand-print crafts I've missed bringing home (8), how many nights I haven't had to go back to the boys room to tell them to stop talking (162), how many time-outs I've avoided giving (2).
I don't know how much money I'll make at this garage sale, but the time I've spent with Paul this week has been priceless...
4 comments:
I love this post.
Praying for you, my friend. Always.
Hey friend,
This post (specifically the part about Jack) made me think of several times that we sat in the car and you worried aloud about how Jack and Whit would be affected by Paul's absence. You said so often that he was the glue that held them together. I also worried on my own about the void that would come from losing your most affectionate child. Now, not even two years later, I am amazed. Paul is STILL the glue. The glue that has created a bond between you and Jack that you might not have otherwise had. The glue that has created a bond between Jack and Whit that they almost surely wouldn't have otherwise had. And the glue that clings to you in such a way that Jack and Whit know how much their affection is needed and wanted and LOVED...so that they've become quite the affectionate young men themselves. Could it really be that Jack and Whit are not just going to survive the death of their brother? Are they going to THRIVE because of it?! That's amazing. That's God. Sadly, I don't praise God very often in the same breath that I mourn Paul's absence. But I'm praising Him right now. He's working some things out for good in the lives of those sweet boys!!! I'm glad you got to spend some time with Paul this week. I bet he's keeping a record of all those hugs and kisses you're missing out on right now. And boy howdy when you see him again...it's going to be GOOD! Real, real good. : ) Love you. J
ok i am at work and how am i supposed to get any work done, i just want to cry with you and jack and everyone who knew and loved paul
very, very often, i look at my little boy, i think of paul, and i RESOLVE to enjoy that minute, no matter what, and for that, I thank Paul, and you for sharing your heart with us, and God for making Paul and my son, and giving us life, and especially, giving us eternal life, oh the day!!!
What a great post. Straight from the heart....
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