Small Steps

I have written before about the on-going saga of what to do with my life. It continues...

After Paul died, I deliberately took a year off from any responsibilities. I don't know if I had any specific reasons why, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I do know that my plan was to spend that year praying and seeking God's direction for how I would spend my time (since both boys would be in school). I didn't want to get sucked back into the mundaneness of life.

I envisioned a vision... you know, some great and glorious "sign" from God on what to do... a huge "aha" moment between me and God when everything makes sense and my destiny is revealed. Well, that didn't happen.

And so I waited and did nothing. Afterall, it was clearly the Lord's responsibility to pony up a plan and I was free to do nothing until He mapped it all out for me. And then a friend kicked me in the butt by saying: You know, Leigh, it's kinda like when you've been gone for the weekend, and you come home and the house is trashed. Your husband and children explain to you that they really wanted to clean up, but they just didn't know where to start.

So I prayed about it some more. And I came to a point of realizing that it was really quite simple.... all I had to do was to take the first step. It wasn't up to me to envision where it might lead, because it might lead absolutely nowhere. But I was being disobedient by doing nothing.

Since I had no direction and no idea where to begin, I just started at the only place I knew. One of my first steps was to call Cook Children's about volunteer possibilities. And here I am today, a few steps later, with an interview scheduled for Wednesday. Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not even certain I can make it out of the parking lot. There is no corner of that building that doesn't hold incredible memories of Paul, and I can't imagine walking down the long corridor out of the parking garage, down the stairs and past the cafeteria. I just hope the interviewer has plenty of tissue and a lot of patience. This might be a complete waste of time. But I'm confident that my next step of obedience is to go.

And so, I'm going. And I'm telling myself that I'm doing so without any expectations or agenda of my own. I'm telling myself that I'm doing this simply out of obedience and that I can handle whatever comes of it. That's what I'm telling myself. We'll see...