I turned 40 yesterday.
40.
That sounds old.
I don't think it's any coincidence that I would turn 40 and in the same month my "baby" would start kindergarten. God's funny like that.
I've spent this past year praying about this month... about how I would spend my time once all my boys are in school "full time." Do I want to go back to work full time? Part time? Volunteer work? PTA? Go on some mission trips? The possibilities are endless, and yet I don't want to get sucked in to a bunch of piddly tasks that leave me frustrated and have no eternal significance.
I have to admit, I miss the hospital. Ironic, isn't it? The place I hated when Paul was alive, is now the place I miss. But I know it's just Paul that I miss... that place was where I spent so much time with him. Some of it was awful, but some of it was fun, too.
So, on the morning of my birthday, I was enjoying some quiet time in bed (thanks to Jack being vigilant to keep Pepper and Whit occupied as long as possible), and I was thinking about the possibility of volunteering at Cook. I found myself considering what tasks and responsibilities I could realistically handle as a mere "volunteer." At one point, I came to the conclusion that since it would be a 2 hour drive up and back, it would be senseless for me to do just "any" task... something that anyone who lived close by could do. I mean, why would I waste all that time just to disinfect toys or clean up the playroom? Anybody could do that. I want to do something more, something.... significant.
And then it occured to me: the backwardness of my state. To truly volunteer, to really serve someone, there is no task that's too menial. True servanthood is born out of love for those whom you're serving... not out of a search for your own significance. One is completely selfless, the other completely selfish. If I volunteer at Cook - or anywhere for that matter - with the intention of accomplishing something noble, something that makes me feel important or needed, then I am doing it for myself. But if I'm doing it out of true love and compassion for those I'm serving, then I am not just a volunteer, but a servant.
"...but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..." Matthew 20:28
So... here's my 40-year-old dilemma: how do I spend my time wisely and keep an eternal perspective in all that I do, and yet selflessly serve in any capacity, regardless of how menial?
I'm not sure, but I think, somehow, LOVE is at the root of it all. True, selfless, sacrificial love.
I've got a long way to go.
Life was so much easier when I was 20...
4 comments:
You know what you could do that others could not do... talk to bereaved families. Sit with folks who have just gotten the NB diagnosis. I know your point from your blog, but I really do think you could be a tremendous blessing to families who just need a friendly face. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. And congrats on the milestone birthday. Me, I plan to repeat the grade next June. :)
Happy Birthday, dear friend. I have to tell you that as I wind up my fourth decade, these have been the most fulfilling years of my life. MUCH better than I had expected. May it be so with you.
Praying for you as you seek His direction.
Yours because His, Lynn
I agree that any volunteer work is noble but a 2 hour drive is a long drive. How about your local library. Maybe reading some children's stories to kids or maybe setting up time with other beareaved parents or siblings. I know anything you do will be with wonderful because you do it with the best intentions. Happy Birthday. Health and happiness and peace and comfort to you. I wanted to email you a brick that my husband and I bought for Paul at the hospital where I work in Hollywood, FL. The hospital is named Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital and Paul really touched us even though we never met him. Let me know so I can send you a picture.
Welcome to the club, my friend! It is a good place to be, trust me. I think in your forties you really figure out who you are. The twenties are figuring out how to be a grown up. The thirties are for setting up a life, and the forties are for finding your groove. I know you will figure it all out. Remember, "this time next year...."
Love you, precious friend.
Judy
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