Without a doubt, our family has changed in this past year since Paul's death. I can think of some specific ways that each of us is different now - some good, some not so good.
I, for one, am more introverted, less optimistic about the future, much more likely to feel sorry for myself, but I also have a clearer perspective of eternity.
I believe that the Lord is always "working" on us - always orchestrating our circumstances in order to grow us into something more, bring us closer to Himself, and prepare us for a greater earthly purpose.
My problem is that growth requires change and change is difficult. It necessitates the humility to admit the need for change and the discipline to make the change happen. It is much easier to settle for the way things are. Or worse, to let the inertia of my circumstances pull me into a bitter, unhappy heap of a person.
To grow, I must fight against the "gravity" of nature - the desire to complain, to feel sorry for myself, to compare my plight to others, and to let anger and disappointment control my life.
And yet, in the last year, I can see that - left to my own way - that is the very direction I would go. In fact, I've gotten down that road on numerous occasions. It's a downhill road, you understand, so you can be well into it before you even realize it. Then, to get off it, you have to backtrack by climbing uphill. It's a lot of work - mentally and emotionally.
Truth is, there's nothing special about the one year mark. I wasn't any more sad about Paul that day than any other day. But it is a good reminder to reflect back over this year - to admit my mistakes and my need for change, to ask the Lord for the wisdom and the discipline to take the road of growth, to remember Paul and all I learned from him, and to commit to not wasting his life or his death.
My soul cleaves to the dust;
Revive me according to Your word.
I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;
Teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts,
So I will meditate on Your wonders.
My soul weeps because of grief;
Strengthen me according to Your word.
Remove the false way from me,
And graciously grant me Your law.
I have chosen the faithful way;
I have placed Your ordinances before me.
I cleave to Your testimonies;
O LORD, do not put me to shame!
I shall run the way of Your commandments,
For You will enlarge my heart.
Psalm 119:25-32
3 comments:
Amen sister! What a great Word. Thanks for sharing it. I hate the circumstances, but you know I love the growth, change, slight trend toward the introverted side of the scale, and the heart-enlarging. : ) Keep climbing friend...
J
Leigh,
I think I understand somewhat the idea of travelling down the road of disappointment rather than taking the more difficult path of seeking God and trying to learn what He would teach. After Paul's and Anna's deaths, I find myself wondering what the point of prayer is, if all our days are already written. If God wouldn't heal Paul or Anna, why would he answer my simple (and not-so-simple) requests? I know this is the evil one invading my thoughts, and I struggle to overcome these thoughts of despair. Thank you for reminding us that we must choose to take the better path, although sometimes it's so hard. Praying for you.
Leigh,
You know that I am praying for you. I think everything you are feeling is COMPLETELY understandable. My prayers won't stop.
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